What, me worry?

How often do you find yourself worrying, fretting about something over which you seem to have no control?  How much does that rob you of living in the moment, and just trusting that everything will work out.  It may not work out how you were planning, or how you would choose, but rarely are the things we worry over really that substantial when looked at as part of the bigger picture.

We worry over money.  Depending on your situation, it can be "how in the world am I going to pay all the bills and still put groceries in the cupboard" or "we really want to take a nice vacation but it's not in the budget" or "should I increase the percentage I'm putting away for retirement or what I'm putting away for my kid's college fund".  In the long run it generally works out.  If you are living paycheck to paycheck, it may not be pleasant, but there are solutions that will keep you from starving or having the water turned off.  When you're old and your kids are grown, are they going to remember that you went camping instead of to Disney?  Financial planners will probably say plan for your own future before your kids, but I think that one's a personal decision.  Regardless, in the worrying you rob yourself of enjoying the moment, and I firmly believe there is the opportunity for joy in every moment and situation.

We worry over work.  Why?  Is that really the most important thing in your life?  If so, I feel sorry for you, because either you don't have any people worth your time or you have the people but don't recognize it.  Don't get me wrong, it's important to work hard and do your best regardless of what your job is, but it shouldn't be the driving force in your life.  When you take your work home with you (literally or figuratively) you deprive yourself of the ability to relax and recharge; you miss sitting on the deck, or reading a book for pleasure, or watching a ballgame.  Whatever the problem, it will still be there in the morning.

We worry about our kids.  We want the best for them.  We want them to have a better, easier time in life than we had.  We want to protect them from being hurt.  While all of this is proper to a point, we can't control every moment of their lives.  And we shouldn't try to control it, not if we want them to grow into healthy, self-sufficient, productive people.  They need to struggle, they need to figure things out on their own, they need to work for what they want, they need to learn that everything will not always go their way, and they need to get hurt but know that they will recover.  Be there for them to ask questions and to give support but don't try to fix it all for them. You'll both be better for it, and you'll be able to enjoy the process of them growing up a lot more when you ease off a little.

We worry about the little things.  Is the house clean enough?  Do my neighbors think my yard is the worst kept one on the street?  Am I exercising enough and eating healthy enough?  Does my mother-in-law think I'm a bad wife?  Am I a terrible mother because I let my daughter's room be messy?  Am I a terrible mother because my son thinks I'm mean for not letting him run around with his friends after dark?  

The answer to all these questions is another question: does it really matter?  Unless there is garbage piled up in every room and black mold growing in every crevice, your house is clean enough.  If you can still see your toddler's head above the weeds, your yard is okay.  If you make an effort to get your heart rate up a few times a week, whether from yard work, riding a bike, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, or walking the dog, and if you skip the burger and fries for a turkey sandwich sometimes, then you're probably not doing too bad.  If your husband is happy with how you approach the marriage, then who cares what his mom thinks.  No woman will ever be good enough for her baby boy.  If your daughter is not embarrassed to take her friends into her room, then it's not too messy.  If your son doesn't think you're mean at some point in his life, then you may indeed be a bad mother because you're probably not setting enough boundaries.

My whole point?  Don't worry.  I know, easier said than done, and I find myself falling into worry at times.  But then I remember to sit back, take a deep breath, and ask myself if any of this is really going to matter in six months, one year, five years, ten years.  Is God really going to throw more at me than He and I can handle together?  Is my worrying going to do anything to solve the problem?  I remember a couple of my favorite verses from Scripture: 

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"  Matthew 6:27

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34 

When we worry we not only prevent ourselves from enjoying the life we have and everything in it, both good and bad, but we tell God that we don't trust Him.  He promised to give us everything we need, and when we worry we're saying that we don't really believe that.  So, live in the moment, trust that it will all work out, and accept that you aren't in control of every moment.

 

Content But Not Complacent

This is the attitude that I recently have adopted for my life.  It reflects the idea that I shouldn't always be wanting more, or the next best thing, or whatever else seems shiny and new and better than what I have.  It's accepting that I am where I am for a reason and a purpose.  I may have made decisions along the way that led me to here, but if I am secure in knowing that I made those decisions prayerfully and purposefully, then I am where God wants me.  For now.  

It's not always easy, but the easy way is seldom the one that gets you where you want to be.  I will admit that there are times that I wish my house was a little nicer, or that I could do more to help out my kids, or that God would work faster in His plans for me (that's the biggest one).  But I have to be patient and know that all this is for my good. 

I don't need a bigger house, and I don't need fancy, I just need to care for what I have.  My kids have my love and support, and I have helped them financially as I am able, and they have grown into adults who know what it is to struggle sometimes and work hard rather than have everything handed to them.  And God is still working on me.  He has plans for me, I believe that with all my heart.  He has given me a heart for those less fortunate, and has shown me that I am needed to increase His Kingdom here on earth, and is using me in ways that may seem small to me but that may be huge to someone else.

So, my point is, I am content with where I am right now.  But I'm not complacent about thinking this is all there is.  I don't have to settle for the here and now if I truly believe God wants more from me and from His people.  I don't have to accept that there is evil in the world and there's nothing I can do about it.  I don't have to settle into that rut and let life and its opportunities pass me by.  I can be satisfied with what I have but also be aware that there may be more out there and be ready to accept whatever I am called to do, wherever that may be.  In fact, I should be constantly striving to determine what that is, constantly examining whether I am fulfilling my potential, and constantly working to make this world a better place.

I'm baaaaccckkk!

After a hiatus of I don't even want to acknowledge how many months, I am back to writing.  I have many excuses for why I've neglected this for so long, none of them good.

There have been changes aplenty in our little corner of the world in the last 10 months.  Where to begin?  How about with I'M A GRANDMA! We knew last summer that a little bundle would be joining our family, courtesy of Jerry and Jessica, but that's it.  Well, beautiful little Jemma Nicole arrived safe and sound on February 12.  She is a happy, healthy, chunky little girl, and everything everyone told me about being a grandparent is true.  She is one of many joys in my life.

Amy and Andrew are still going strong, after a year and a half of dating and almost five years of being friends.  They no longer make the drive between Ravenna and Cincinnati every few weeks, however.  That would be thanks to the amazing job opportunity he got last December.  He is working as an athletic trainer for the Cincinnati Reds...in the Dominican Republic.  Apparently almost every major league team has a team down there to evaluate and develop prospects from Latin America.  While Andrew got his degree in athletic training, he wasn't sure that's what he really wanted for his career.  And, honestly, he probably still isn't, but this opportunity is one that doesn't come along twice, and very few trainers ever get the opportunity to work for a professional team.  There is a lot of possibility for moving up in the ranks, so he's taking this year of being far from family, friends, and familiar foods and hoping it leads to more.  Of course, that means he and Amy are now in a very long distance relationship.  Thanks goodness for technology that allows them to still talk daily and see each other's faces, although that's not anywhere close to the same as actually being with someone.  Which is why she's on her last day of a week-long visit.  Oh, the rough life of these kids.  He watches people play baseball for a living, and she's spent the last week sitting on the beach.

Amy finished up her first year at Kent State, with one more year to go.  Summer classes start in a couple weeks.  Next May, after 6 years, 3 schools, and 3 majors, she will graduate with a degree in exercise science.  She has blossomed and grown so much in the last couple years.  I am beyond proud of her and the way she has picked herself up from some pretty hard knocks life threw at her.  The child I once worried would flunk out of college was upset last week because she barely missed making dean's list for the first time ever.  Thank you, Lord, for working in her heart and getting her turned around.

My life has probably changed the most since I last wrote.  I was just  re-reading all my posts from last summer, and I am amazed looking back at how so how many things were right there, at the tips of my fingers, and on the tip of my tongue, and in the corners of my heart & mind, just waiting for things to come together.  As I've said before, it's all in God's hands, and part of His plan.  The restlessness, the dissatisfaction with work, the need to do something different, all of those make sense now.  And it all came about from a God-incidence.

I was registered for a women's retreat through my church last fall, and had been looking forward to it for a while.  The week before the retreat I came down with a stomach bug and missed three days of work.  Right up until a few hours before I was to leave on Friday, I really didn't think I was going to make the trip, but I plowed ahead.  Wow!  By the end of Saturday, I knew why God pushed me to go, and why Satan had prodded me not to.  Suffice it to say that God had something to say to me that weekend, and I was finally quiet enough and obedient enough to listen to Him and say "Okay, whatever You want me to do, I'll do it."  Being an engineer hasn't been enough for me, because it's not enough for God.  He's calling me to more, and I'm still not sure how, when, or where He's going to use me, but I'm praying and exploring the options that are laid before me.  I've had the blessing of being able to cut back my work hours to three days a week, dedicating the other two days to whatever God wants.  It's the best decision I've ever made in my life, and the last few months have been amazing.  More on that in another post.

So, that's the update on where I've been, what's been going on, and a tease about where I'm going.  I won't let another ten months go by before the next one.  Here's hoping you'll stick around.

God-incidences

How many times have you said, or heard someone else say, "it was such a coincidence the way it happened"?  Personally, I don't believe in coincidence.  That indicates that things happen by chance, accidentally, for no good reason.  I believe that everything happens as part of a plan, purposefully, and for every good reason (though it may not be discernible to us).  I believe that God guides all those things that seem to just happen, from life-changing events to the smallest details.  I call them "God-incidences".  I'll admit that I didn't come up with that myself, I heard it from a speaker several years ago.

I've experienced God-incidences numerous times in my life.  Actually, I've probably experienced them countless times without recognizing them.  I try to be consciously aware of such events, but my humanness gets in the way.  It's too easy to just flow through life without seeing how God has ordered things to follow His plan.

Have you ever been considering a new job?  Eleven years ago I was.  I liked the place worked and the type of work I did, but our small satellite office wasn't generating enough work to keep our 3 engineers and 2 planners busy on a consistent basis.  I updated my resume as I spent days with little to do other than surf the internet and play solitaire (doesn't sound bad, especially if you're getting paid, but it gets old quickly).  I thought and prayed about what to do for a few months.  I liked the small privately-owned firm that had given me a chance to expand my traffic engineering experience and I was truly friends with the others in my office.  And, as an engineer, change is not something I necessarily embrace, at least professionally.  Then came the day when the firm's partners visited with a bombshell: our office was closing.  We had 30 days to find a new job or move 250 miles away to the main office.  God answered my question of whether it was time to move on.

There's the little stuff too.  A song came on the radio the other day, and from the first few notes I thought to myself, oh it's that one that says "all you gotta do is turn around", I really like that song.  It wasn't, but guess what was the very next song to come on. 

I could go on, but I think you get the point.  So, the next time you're running late and therefore miss the truck whose brakes go out; or you feel compelled to stop for milk on the way home and run into a friend who needs a shoulder to cry on; or whatever other unexplainable event occurs in your life, remember that God knows our hearts and knows exactly what we need at every moment.  It's not about chance or luck or accident, it's about our Creator and Father directing things to complete His plan for each one of us.

Writing the Next Chapters...

It has been way too long between posts.  All I can say for myself is that a lot has happened in the last couple weeks.

After replacing the water heater we have determined that only a portion of the wood flooring needs to be replaced in Amy's bedroom.  That is such a relief.  Now we just need to dedicate some time to getting it done and finishing up her apartment.  She's still trekking upstairs every time she needs dresses or any other hanging clothes, not to mention the boxes with so much of her stuff still packed up. 

Amy's boyfriend visited from Cincinnati for several days giving them more time together, and me a chance to get to know him a little more.  They are so natural together.  It's so nice to see her in all her silliness and craziness, and not afraid to show her true self.  I like that he sides with me in calling her a brat, but with a smile on his face.  We both acknowledge that we aid and abet her in being spoiled.  Amy & Andrew continue to work hard at growing their relationship.  At least the distance of 200 miles makes visits every few weeks possible, even with occasional unplanned trips (more on that later).

On the plus side, we had the plumber fix the downstairs shower when he installed the water heater, so Amy is no longer running up and down to clean up.  New towel bars, toilet paper holder, and over the toilet shelves and she's got her bathroom pretty well set up too.  Thanks are owed to Andrew who helped out with that.  Not that we aren't capable of using a screwdriver and drill, I mean, come on I've been on my own for 23 years, I can handle simple tools.

In other news, my son Jerry and his fiancee Jessica recently found out they're expecting a baby. Which means I'm going to be a grandma! I am so excited and hope all goes well for them over the next 7 months or so, with a healthy baby come winter.  They have their first doctor appointment this week and we should have a due date then.  I am so looking forward to having a grandbaby to spoil, but refuse to let being a grandma make me feel old.  Though my boss (who's five years younger than me) thinks it's hilarious and makes comments about how well I'm keeping up for a grandma.  Ha! This coming from a man who had open heart surgery at age 35.

Back to the unplanned trip from Cincinnati.  Amy got in a minor car wreck this past week.  Unfortunately it was her fault, and the front end of her car was damaged way more than the other person's.  That'll happen when a Ford Explorer meets a Honda Accord.  Lacking full coverage and trying to save money we were on a search for used parts (hood and headlight...the bumper cover was knocked off but can be reused).  So glad Jerry has enough skill and experience to do the repairs himself, short of any painting.  Of course, after calling 20+ scrap yards nobody in the area had a used hood, but could gladly order a new one for us.  Lo and behold, Amy located a used hood at a junkyard in Springfield, thinking that's only 20 minutes away.  Turns out they means the City of Springfield near Dayton, not Springfield Township near Akron.  That resulted in Andrew picking up the hood and driving to Columbus, and me meeting him to transfer it to my car.  Yes, the hood of an Accord can fit in the back of a Kia Soul.  I wanted the mini-SUV/crossover to be able to haul things, just never thought if would be car parts!  And, as I told Andrew, he must like that girl an awful lot (to which I just got a crooked grin in response).

Most recent news is that I got new ink today.  No, not for the printer (although we do need that too).  I got a new tattoo on my left shoulder.  It's my second one, and came 6 years after the first.  I need to really feel strongly about something to get it permanently inscribed on my body.  My first is a small heart with my kids' names in it on my right shoulder.  I plan to get small hearts with grandkids' names as they come along.  Today's is just as personal but in a completely different way.  It's a road with a signpost, you know the old wooden ones pointing to different destinations.  On the various signs are my favorite scripture references.  It represents my journey of faith, and how these verses have guided me.  This pic isn't great because it's still red from being new and I took it over my shoulder, but hopefully you get the idea.

The times they are a-changing, but I'm embracing it with everything I have.  Just more parts of the whole.

Just When It All Seemed So Right

You know the feeling when it seems like all is right with the world? The job you've been hoping to get is in the bag; a long waited for trip is around the corner; that remodeling project is almost done; your relationship is finally on the right track.  Then there's that twist, just like in a good crime novel or movie, that changes everything.  We've experienced that a couple times this week.

The first didn't directly involve our family, but still hit close to home and brought feelings of shock and grief.  A young man from our town, who graduated two years ahead of my daughter Amy, joined the Marines and was happy to be serving his country.  He did a tour in Afghanistan, and returned last year to serve stateside at Camp Lejeune.  A young woman who we've known well for many years through church and youth group waited for him.  They were married last October and have spent the last months settling into life together, planning for a wonderful future.  Tragically, over last weekend Mark was taken from this life far sooner and far more suddenly than anyone expected.  His bride Maria is a widow at 21.  My heart aches for what she and both of their families must be going through.  Imagine your daughter being hundreds of miles from home and getting what must have been a horrifying phone call from her, knowing that her world had just been turned upside down and there's nothing you can do to make it better.

On a far less dramatic, but more personal note, we had a minor crisis at our house.  We've been working on completing a small apartment for Amy in the finished basement.  New wood laminate was laid, just waiting some finishing of trim and putting new quarter round on the baseboards.  She's had her bedroom set up for a few weeks, with furniture in place and pictures on the walls.  Most of her clothes are moved down there, with the exception of hanging items because we need to install closet rods in an alcove.  The living room area is still a jumble of furniture and boxes until the final edging of the wood is done.

Last night, when she got back from an evening with a high school friend, she said there was something wrong with the floor in her room.  She showed me where water was seeping up through the cracks between the laminate pieces.  The basement is humid, as most basements are, but we've never had problems with that kind of moisture, and it has been very hot and dry all week.  Lo and behold, when I opened the door to the utility/storage room I found water all over the floor from a broken water heater.  So, a day off work to contact a plumber, a new water heater, and several hundred dollars later, we are looking to tear out the laminate.  Even if it would somehow miraculously not need to be replaced, we need to dry out the concrete floor underneath.  But, wood laminate is not known for reacting well to being wet, so it looks like after just a month we will be installing new floor yet again.  At least the trim and quarter round weren't down yet.  And at least the old carpet wasn't still there.  It was in less than pristine shape anyway (hence the replacement with laminate) but it would have been a soggy mess to tear out and drag upstairs.

We finalized vacation plans last week.  Rather than a cruise, we opted for five days in Cancun in mid-August.  Here's hoping the next seven weeks go smoothly.

It's All in How You Say It

It really is.  I had this reinforced today at a meeting at work (I know, you're thinking "will she shut up about work already").  We were looking at a spreadsheet about who knows kind of financial metrics - is that really a word? - for our somewhat recently joined-on-paper office of Cleveland/Akron.  One column was simply headed "CT" and nobody knew what it stood for.  I suggested contract type...turns out I was right, and even though I was actually guessing, it sounded like I knew what I was talking about, so go figure.

This same principle applies to babies and dogs.  It's all in the tone of voice.  When your 3-month-old has been screaming nonstop for an hour, you can look at him and say, in a sing-song voice, "If you don't shut up real soon, I'm going to poke my eardrums out with kabob skewers" and he has no clue you are exhausted, frustrated, and contemplating exactly what you suggested.  Dogs are the same way, but they just cock their heads to the side as if they didn't quite hear right.

Once the kids are older, that tactic doesn't work so well.  If you and the school system have done their job right, kids develop this thing called a vocabulary, as well as a sense of perspective, and skepticism, so they generally know exactly how you feel and how far you'll really go.  They also become deaf to most vibratory frequencies associated with adult voices, although a firm tone of voice (read: screeching full name, including middle) can occasionally get a reaction out of them.  Or a whisper from two rooms away suggesting pizza for dinner or a trip to anywhere fun.

I'm learning to believe this also works in my conversations with God.  It's not about what you're praying for, it's in how you pray it.  Do you truly believe that God will give what you're asking for?  Have you studied on His word and feel confident that your prayer is in line with His plan?  Yes, you need to be sure to ask if it's in His will, but if you've done your homework and trust that He will always answer you, then you can be sure that He will see to all your needs.